Gravity
by Dark-lighter0405
Summary: Set after the episode when Michael turns 30, and Brian throws a party for him. Michael goes through his days without Brian, and reflects on his life and the days following his Surprise Birthday Party Fiasco. Events may be out of order from series.


**A/N: **This little diddy popped into my head after watching an episode of Queer As Folk. It's not a pairing that I've ever written for before, but I figured I'd give it a whirl. Here goes nothing!

**Title: **Gravity

**Rating: **PG-13 (for some Language)

**Pairing: **Michael, Brian

**Warnings: **SPOILERS (but it's in season 1 so if you haven't seen it...)

**Summary: **(Set after the episode when Michael turns 30, and Brian throws a party for him.) Michael goes through his days without Brian, and reflects on his life and the days following his Surprise Birthday Party Fiasco.

**Gravity**

_It's time_

_To tell me the truth_

_To burden your mouth for what you say_

_No pieces of paper in the way_

_I can't continue pretending to choose_

- -

This was miserable. Michael hadn't been through a fight like this with Brian before.

There was that time when...no. Wait! When he...no, not then either.

Yes, it was safe to say that Michael thought there were some lines even his 'no-regrets', 'no-apologies' best friend wouldn't cross. EX-best friend.

He hated when they fought. It felt like moving away from something natural. It felt dead. He supposed that was some sign of unhealthy psychological co-dependence or something. He didn't really care.

So often he'd want to immediately call him up after Fat Marley had tripped down the stairs or farted in public...but he'd stop mid-dial when he realized that he couldn't He couldn't press that final digit and call button because that would mean forgiveness. That would mean that he was OK that Tracy didn't trust him or even glance his way anymore. It would mean that he was fine with being embarrased at his 30th birthday party in plain view of family and friends. And he wasn't.

He wasn't ok at all! Sometimes it was like he could barely breathe, or function at all. Like some sort of death had taken away his will to live.

Hadn't it?

The death of their fucked up relationship. Michael not wanting to give up hope of something he subconciously never stopped yearning for, and Brian never wanting to get too close or let anyone in, yet afraid of being alone in the world.

Was this the answer to their life's problems?

Michael wondered about these sorts of things. Almost all the time lately. Things like - If David was the one for him then how come he still couldn't stop thinking about Brian? Or if Michael was so mad at Brian then how is it that he would eagerly take him back if he just called and apologized?

-- --

_My memory is cruel_

_I'm queen of attention to detail_

_defending intentions if he fails_

This sucked. Michael couldn't sleep for the fifth night since his 30th birthday. It was his dreams that had kept him awake now.

_"Come on, Mikey. It'll be fun." Brian smiled, stealing his breath. "I already took the 'stuff' from my old man and your mother won't find out if we do it at your house!"_

_How could he refuse that? No logical answer would come now, when the fringe from too-long hair surrounding his face fell beautifully over his eyes._

_With one last nervous look around, Michael nodded one short nod, in assent. _

_They began walking, but Brian was ahead of him. His jeans rising slightly over his converse high-tops._

_"Wait!" Mike laughed, "Let me catch up!"_

_Every so often, Brian would slow, throwing sly grins over his shoulder but never stopped. Michael's smile eventually waned. Other boys passed them now. Brian would chat with them and eventually they left. Michael sped up. He wanted to walk with Brian. Who were these people?_

_He looked around, noticing for the first time that they were in the woods, and the sound of crunching leaves became suddenly audible in his ears._

_"Where are we?"_

_Brian shrugged and kept going. Michael stopped. _

_Brian noticed the lack of footsteps because he turned, smiling still._

_"Come on." _

_"Where are we going?"_

_"You'll see." He smiled._

_"I'm scared." Michael said._

_"Don't be. Come on."_

_"Brian, let's go back."_

_That stopped the other boy. He turned from the path to face Michael._

_"Why won't you follow me?" The beautiful smile was gone, a frown now in it's place._

_"We aren't going where I thought." Michael shivered, the shadows growing, the breeze picking up. "Let's go back."_

_Brian looked behind him, then back to his face. "I can't."_

_"Why?" He whined, petulantly._

_Softly. "There's nothing there for us."_

_Michael stood still._

_"Won't you follow me?"_

_Michael didn't answer._

_"Please?" Brian began fading. "Please?"_

Cold sweat drenched the sheets and he fought to calm his beating heart. Adrenaline still pumped in him from his fear and the ghost of the chilly breeze was etched into his memory.

It was still night, something that surprised him since it felt like days had passed. He froze at the crinkle from rustling sheets and remembered that David was in bed too. As quietly as he could, Michael got up and went to his boyfriend's home office, pushing the power button to David's computer. Minutes passed and all he could think about was Brian. Even now, in this house, with all of it's memories and love...Brian still clung to the edges of his conscious mind, like a name on the tip of your tongue that you couldn't really remember but had never actually forgotten.

He sighed, looking at his email inbox. Of course it was empty. Like he was now. No e-card lay waiting with some joke or smart ass comment, that was so 'Brian', he probably would think the company made it just for him. No invitation to a fancy dinner celebrating a promotion or a new account was to be found. He logged out, fingers resting still on the keyboard as if some important task was yet to be done.

On a whim, he opened a new tab and his cursor found it's way to the search box. He hesitated for a second, but pressed on.

B-r-i-a-n K-i-n-n-e-y

The page loaded and he bit his lip, almost closing the window. Then instantly, results filled the screen. Thousands of results. He sifted through the junk ones, and then he hit an authentic link. It was an article on all of Brian Kinney's awards at his ad agency. He read it, and instead of feeling satiated, he hungered for more. On and on he searched, looking for something.

No matter how many articles he read, or how many links he searched, he still could not find what he was looking for on the screen.

His best friend.

The man he loved, but couldn't have.

-- --

_You hold me without touch_

_Keeping without chain_

_Set me free, leave me be_

_I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity_

This was embarrasing. Michael was crying again. He hadn't done so much crying in a long while. Never had he cried as hard either. It would come at random moments, when he was in comic book stores looking at Captain Astro comics or watching some stupid horror film. It all reminded him of Brian. How they would lock themselves up in his room when they were kids and read his old comics, saying that no earthly force could seperate them. Or how he would sneak in with Brian to films on the weekends and get stoned in the balcony.

David had gotten news yesterday that Hank was doing horribly in the face of his mother's divorce. He'd understood when David said he had to go. And now he was leaving too.

This was it. The way out he'd been looking for. He needed to get Brian out of his head, and out of his system. Nothing he could say would bring him back this time, and Brian was letting him go.

He was still hurting from their fight, which they had made up from. It felt good to be friends again, except the fight had made it increasingly harder to ignore the fact that he was still scarily in love with Kinney. How could he do something like that to David? How could he hurt such a good man? When he was willing to offer him to world. To offer him love in return for loving only him.

He deserved nothing that he had from David. When he closed his eyes at night, or when they were making love, Brian lay waiting behind his eyelids. He could always rationalize it before, but not now.

Now he had to face the facts. Grow up. As his mother would say.

When the time came, he would walk on that plane. He wouldn't look back, and he would go with David to start a new life away from his old one. Maybe he could learn to be happy. Maybe he could smile and later learn to feel emotion behind it. He could see that David wanted to make him happy. And he wanted desperately to let him. So he would.

Michael wiped his face on his sleeve, straightened his shirt and took a deep breath. Noting his puffy eyes in the mirror, he made his way back out to the front of the Big Q. He had work to do.

-- --

Was it time already? To go and leave his friends behind was something he told himself he could do. When the time came he said he'd be ready and yet as he checked through security, bag in hand, he hesitated.

The thrum of the plane's engines blared through the terminal and he made his decision. Just as he reached the entrance to the boarding ramp his phone rang.

It was Brian! Of course he'd want to say goodbye to his best friend. He wouldn't be able to use his phone again until after his and David's flight.

He answered.

He listened. The man his world revolved around was dying inside and needed him. It didn't matter that his own world was being shattered right now, or that his future lay in the opposite direction.

He ran because Brian was all he knew. Was all he had ever known. There wasn't life before Brian, only with him. And he couldn't imagine there being an existence without Brian in his world.

So he cried on the way to the hospital, and when the cab pulled up in front, he pulled himself together.

It wasn't because he was a glutton for punishment, or that he needed an excuse to run away from his life. It was because Brian was counting on him.

Not Ted, or Emmett, or Melanie or Lindsay. Him.

Brian would always need him. Like the earth needed the sun. Pulled the sun into it's orbit.

And as long as Brian would need him, Michael would always be there.

Pulled forever by his own desire, attracted by Brian's dependence.

He could never leave his gravity.

**A/N: **So...I'm sure that sucked major balls...but yeah. I just had to write it.

Read, and Enjoy. Review if you want!

-Dark-


End file.
